Friends

As I've mentioned in the past, I've never really had a lot of friends. Sure, I've met lots of people in my journey, but of the few I've grown to call friends, many have wandered out of my life for various reasons. Some would move away and we'd fall out of contact. Some I'd have a falling out with and we'd just stop talking. So, I've learned that friendships have their ups and downs, and at the end of the day, your friends are the ones who enjoy the ups and press through the downs.

I'd say of the various examples of the ups and downs in my life, one tends to stand out above the rest.

Disclaimer: So as not to single any particular individual out or "air the dirty laundry", I will be using an assumed name for this example. The person I talk about is not anyone that any of my readers know, nor is this person anyone who has ever been named before. If you suspect that I am talking about someone you know, you are mistaken, and the similarities they have with the person you suspect they are is purely coincidence. If you do not believe in coincidence, then perhaps it is happenstance, chance, or a fluke.

Disclaimer: Due to the limitations of my extra-sensory perception, I can only provide my perspective on this example. If you would like the perspective of the noted individual, I would suggest you ask this person directly, which will prove impossible since you do not know the individual of whom I speak.

Disclaimer: The person referenced in this example is an awesome person who has proved generous and kind. This person thinks only of others and is in no way, shape, or form a horrible person. We are all lucky to coexist with this person and should thank our chosen deity that they grace us with their splendor.

Disclaimer: None of the incidents listed below are the fault of this person, as this person has no fault. If the examples seem to indicate otherwise, this is clearly my fault as a storyteller. I apologize in advance.

Perhaps one of my longest friendships was with someone that we'll call Not-Scott.

Not-Scott and I went to the same school, but didn't really become friends until the 6th grade. Despite being on the fringe of the popular kids, like me, he was more outgoing and talkative than myself, so it wasn't long before he decided that I was his friend. As I said before, I'd never had a lot of friends, so, hey, new friend! We'd chat at school, he'd hang out at my house, I'd hang out at his. Pretty normal friendship that remained pretty constant throughout middle school. There'd be the occasional argument or fight, but nothing unusual or major. Early in our high school career, he'd end up moving to a new school district, so we didn't hang out as often. Eventually, he'd move off to the mountains and it wasn't long before we dropped out of contact with each other.

A few years ago, he shot me a message out of the blue stating that he was moving back into town and wanting to hang out. At the time, again, not a lot of friends, so I was open to catching up and chatting.

So, Not-Scott and I started to hang out again. Things were okay for a while, but the longer we hung out, the more something became apparent: either he had changed a lot since when we were growing up, or I just wasn't as observant when I was growing up. Over the next few months, he'd take great strides to alienate me by:

• While introducing me to new people, he would say unflattering, and frankly untrue things about me, tainting their first impressions of me.
• At a dinner meet-up we'd have with friends, he'd embarrass me in front of the group by pointing out that I'm nervous around women.
• He'd rely more and more heavily on my wallet for his day-to-day life. The lowest point would be when he would put me on the spot to have me pay for dinner and a movie ticket for him and his girlfriend when we all hung out as a group one night.
• He'd tell me that my life "wouldn't have turned out quite so bad" if I had moved out of town with him so many years ago.
• He would dominate all conversations, ensuring that we'd only talk about him, his interests, his opinions, and what was happening in his life.
• If for some strange reason the conversation actually did turn to me, he would play on his phone, check out of the conversation, or interrupt me to steer the conversation back to him.
• He couldn't be bothered to remember even the most important details about my life, such as my dietary restrictions.
• Not that that made much of a difference, because he couldn't be bothered to propose any sort of meet up or initiate any conversations with me, making me feel like a charity case when he'd bend his neck enough to agree to hang out.

To his benefit, he did host a cookout for my birthday one year. That he would invite a bunch of people I didn't know and spent most of the night talking to his girlfriend is beside the point.

Disclaimer: As will be noted below, I did sit down and talk to Not-Scott about the above incidents, so he is well aware of my examples, arguments, and perspective on these things.

On several occasions, I would reach a breaking point and would arrange a sit-down with Not-Scott to discuss the problems I was having with his rather self-centered and calloused behavior. On these occasions, he would interrupt me as I tried to explain my stance, offer nothing but insincere apologies and empty promises that he would be more mindful in the future. For the first week or two, he'd actually shoot the occasional greeting or propose a hangout, before going back to ignoring me and all that happened in my life.

Finally, I had enough and sent him a rather lengthy message outlining all of the examples listed above in great detail, as well as citing all of the previous attempts to reach some common ground. All I asked was a chance to discuss these issues and move past them instead of remaining stuck in a perpetual loop of Not-Scott is full of himself/Brian complains too much. Not-Scott, showing the value he placed on our friendship, promptly responded that he couldn't be bothered, deleted the entire conversation, blocked me on Facebook, and stopped talking to me entirely.

At this point, I figured that was the end of things. I was willing to offer a truce, he slapped my olive branch away, took his ball and went home. Despite my small list of friends, I don't need that kind of friend in my life, so no biggie.

A bit of time passes, and I get a message from someone who would end up being Not-Scott's girlfriend, telling me that he was regretful of how things played out and asked if I would be willing to sit down with him and talk. I tell her that I had told him previously that I wanted to sit down and discuss things. Despite his response, I say that I'm still willing to talk.

So, a little later, he shoots me a message. He tells me that it is important to him that we sit down and talk things out, but gee, his schedule was just too full at the moment. Could I possibly wait until his schedule is free? Then why bother sending a message at all? "I don't want you to think that it's not important to me that we smooth things over, but it really isn't important to me." Fine, whatever. He can set the whole thing up when his schedule is free. I have nothing else to say until whenever that is.

Five months pass, and still no word from him. So I tell him I assume that he doesn't want to talk. He tells me I am wrong. Alright, how exactly did I misinterpret that? Perhaps his schedule was too busy, and at no point in the past 3,652 hours did he have a spare moment to actually sit down and talk. So I tell him that if he really wants to talk, he'll find the time, because I'm not wasting any more time on this. So, he picks a time and place for us to meet.

And so, we sit down and talk. Ultimately, he wants to be my friend again, but this is nothing I hadn't heard in the previous half-dozen attempts to work things out. So, I agree to think about it and meet up with him again later. So, I take some time to think.

What exactly do I want in a friend? What makes a good friend? Have I ever really had a good friend?

So, rather than say "Yes, let's be friends again," or "No, I'd be stupid to dive back into that shallow pool again," I opt to just outline what I'm looking for in a friend, and he could decide if that's something he can do. I shoot him a message offering to meet up. Not-Scott would love to sit down and discuss things, but wouldn't you know it, he's in the middle of final exams. That's fine. I understand. He'll talk to me after exams are over.

A month after he graduates, I shoot him a message asking if perhaps that meant exams were done. Gosh, he's just been so busy and meant to send me a message sooner. After a bit more back and forth, another meeting time and place is decided and we sit down for our second discussion on whether we could still be friends.

So, I tell him what I'm looking for in a friend:

• Someone willing to talk about their interests
• Someone willing to talk about what's going on in their life
• Someone willing to listen to me talk about my interests
• Someone willing to listen to me talk about what's going on in my life
• Someone who actually shows an interest in talking to me or hanging out with me
• Someone I can rely on
• Someone who has my actual best interest at heart

Apparently this was asking too much, as I have not seen Not-Scott since this meeting, and despite a couple brief conversations in the first couple weeks after that last sit-down, I haven't heard from him in a couple of months.

I don't imagine I'll hear from him again. I certainly have nothing else to say to him. And I think that's a pretty good example of the ups and downs of a friendship. 

Was I asking too much? I don't want to be the center of anyone's life. Heck, I'm not overly fond that I'm the center of my own life. I don't want to be in the spotlight. But I do want to have a spot on someone's to-do list. I want someone to actually, every now and then ask themselves, "I wonder what Brian's been up to and if he's doing okay?" Or say, "maybe we can hang out sometime?" 

All I know is that apparently it is wrong for me to have the audacity to stand up for myself. Apparently I'm a coward for even wanting to shed my door mat status and be treated like a person. Apparently it is disrespectful to highlight any negative aspect of a person who has never treated me with respect. And apparently I'm a villain for not graciously accepting an insincere olive branch from someone who doesn't even want me as a friend.

I'm tired of all the friends who use me to feel better about themselves. Those who value me based on how many favors I can do for them. The ones who only need me to listen to how great they are. The friends who only need me to fill an empty chair in their favorite activity without showing the slightest interest in one of my own. And the ones who consider me so worthless that I'm not even worth sacrificing a few minutes to talk or listen, or who can't be bothered to find a little time in their busy lives just to spend time with me. My life has been filled with a bunch of other Not-Scotts, and if they're the best I can hope for from friends, I'd rather be alone.

Fortunately, I've actually managed to meet a few people who I can consider real friends.

So I want to thank those friends who actually do care about me. The friends who think my life stories are just as interesting as their own. The friends who I can have actual conversations with about our mutual interests, as well as the interests we don't currently share. The friends that actually show an interest in talking to me and hanging out with me, even when the ups and downs of life try to get in the way. The friends who allow me to vent about my frustrations and feel comfortable enough with me to share their own. The friends who make me feel valued, and loved.