Voices

For as long as I've remembered, I've heard voices in my head. Now, to be clear, I'm not talking about the crazy voices that tell you to set fire to things or to hurt people.

Those voices only pop up when I'm seated next to a toddler at a restaurant

No, rather, these voices are more like voices of doubt. Those nagging little voices that tell you that you're wrong, or that you're going to make a fool of yourself. The voices that tell you that people don't like you or that they are making fun of you. And the thing is, I imagine everyone has those little voices. The problem I have is that there's no filter and no off switch. Every day for me is a series of endless, overlapping conversations, picking apart everything I do and everything happening around me.

For instance, let's take a typical day at work:

"Uh oh, a server just went down."
"Maybe someone is patching it. Let's give it a few minutes and see if it comes back up."
"But what if they aren't patching?"
"It's the normal maintenance window, so it--"
"Now it's been down two minutes. What if it's broken?"
"I'm sure it's fine."
"But what if it isn't?"
"It's fine, isn't it?"
"It's been down three minutes. Can we call someone yet?"

In those circumstances, 99% of the time, everything is perfectly fine, but sitting there, staring at that screen waiting for it to clear is torture.

Social situations are no better:

"I don't know what I want to eat."
"You better think of something, she already knows what she wants."
"I could get the same thing I always get."
"I dunno, she might judge you for being boring."
"She's never judged me before."
"That you know of!"
"But why would she--"
"Because you're boring."
"..."
"You still don't know what you want to eat, do you?"

Even making a simple phone call can be tiring:

"You're not going to call them, are you?"
"Why not? They call me from time to time with no real purpose. Why can't I?"
"What if they're busy?"
"Well--"
"You could be interrupting something important. They do have a life outside of you, you know!"
"True--"
"Do you have anything to talk about?"
"Actually, no--"
"If you call them, they're going to be expecting you to have a reason for calling. You can't just call them up out of the blue, never mind if you're disrupting their day or not, and then ramble on about something stupid, or worse, sit in silence expecting them to talk to you!"
"Why not? My friends call me and talk to me. Why can't I talk to them?"
"Because they have interesting things to talk about! They don't have to have conversations in their head to figure out what a good topic of conversation would be. What would you talk to them about?"
",,,"

These are of course generalized. To get a better idea of just what goes on in my head on a daily basis, imagine those conversations overlapped with similar conversations, working out the different ways I can be helpful with the given situation at work, all while considering all the ways I could make things worse. Or thinking about what I should order while thinking about every possible path the conversation could go, good or bad. It's quite exhausting, which is why most days I'm perfectly content to just stay home and avoid it all.

Not that that is much quieter. When I'm at home, there's the inevitable question of how to pass the time, which brings on another overlapping chorus of voices with suggestions and arguments about how to best pass the time. Most of the time, I just side step the whole issue by watching reruns of the Simpsons.

Truth be told, I can only think of one particular time when all the conflicting voices shut up. It was a rather unique situation that I found myself in. In that given moment, I should have been bombarded with every form of confusion, self doubt, and worry. But instead, it was as if every voice decided unanimously to sit back and just wait to see what happened next.

Now, I won't disclose just what happened, as it is a memory I'd like to keep for myself, but I can say that at that time, I had a moment of actual peace and calm. I was happy, and for that moment I didn't feel abnormal or an outsider or any of the feelings I typically have when trying to interact with others. It was nice. And it lasted right up until someone asked me a question that I wasn't prepared for and brought all those voices of doubt crashing back into my head and drowning everything out with a chorus of overlapping shouts of worry, concern, anxiety, and regret.

And, unfortunately, I've never really been able to capture that moment again.

So, all I can do is learn to deal with it. Over the years, I've managed to adjust the volume a bit on the nagging voices. They're still there, but at least I can function despite them.

I usually like to end these posts with a joke or some sort of funny drawing, but something's telling me that perhaps I've rambled on long enough.

Moving In

At the end of last year, I moved out of my old apartment. It was a sad decision, as I miss the neighborhood and the good neighbors, as well as all the memories I had of the old place. But it was the right decision to make, as it gave me an opportunity to get caught up on bills, pay down some debt, and ultimately find a place to live more within my price range. So, in April, I finally found a place that I felt I could live with and am now settling into a new home.

The move in presented its own series of challenges.

When looking through rental listings, I found a place similar in size and layout to my old apartment, but for a significantly lower monthly rent. I scheduled an appointment with the leasing office to look at the place. When I show up for the appointment, they hand me the key and tell me to bring it back when I'm done. Apparently, no one was going to actually go with me to look at the place. Hooray for the honor system, I guess. Of course, when I asked how to get to the rental property, the woman I talked to didn't know where it was. Wow. Fortunately, I had the address and a GPS, so I was able to track it down.

Looking at the property, I liked it. It had some cons to go along with the pros, but overall, I was happy with it, so I filled out the application and was accepted. Next was the typical series of hoops you jump through when moving into a new place. Security deposit, paperwork, etc. The utilities proved to be a bit problematic. I've had an account with Greenville Utilities three times now, each for a different apartment I've had in town. For the first time, I had to pay a deposit, which makes sense, since I had no previous history with them. When I had my second account, they didn't charge me a deposit, because of my previous history. When I was setting up my most recent account, they charged me the deposit again, which is fine I guess. This is the same utility company that disconnected my power three days before the bill was due, so I don't expect things to make sense with them (and its not like you have any choices in the matter. You either go through them or you don't have electricity.)

Next, I had to plan my move-in day. I was scheduled to work the first weekend of the month, so I ended up planning on moving the two days prior to that, which is fine except that anyone that I could potentially ask for help moving would be working those days, so I'd be doing all the work myself. I actually prefer working alone, since I can go at my own pace, so that wasn't a huge problem for me. Plus, since I'm moving all my stuff out of storage, its not like I couldn't come back on a later date with help to move any problematic items. So, I schedule an appointment to rent a truck on my planned move-in day.

Now, my old apartment came with a washer and dryer. This one did not, so I was going to have to figure out a way to work around that. I'm sure I could always take my laundry to a parent's house, but I don't like to impose on them any more than I have to, so I ruled that idea out. I could also go to a laundromat, but I'd never been to one before and wasn't entirely sure where the nearest one was, so I ended up discarding that idea as well. So, that left the added expense of buying a washer and dryer. I tried getting a credit card through Lowe's so I could buy one through them, but they weren't interested in my business, so I wasn't interested in giving them my money. So, I tried Furniture Fair. I had previously bought furniture from them, so I had credit history with them. So, I browsed their selection and found a cheap washer/dryer set that would suit my needs. The paperwork was approved, but the sticking point was on delivery. I could have them deliver it and add $100 to the overall bill, or I could pick it up myself. Well, I had the moving truck reserved, so I can pick it up with the truck. I tell them my estimated pick-up day and time and they tell me to call them two days in advance to remind them. Not a problem.

So, everything's all set, and all that's left to do is move. Naturally, things do not go as planned.

First off, the moving truck. I get a phone call the day before my move, not from my storage unit (the people renting me the truck), but rather from a different storage unit place. They have me scheduled to pick up a truck at 9am and are wondering if I can get it at 8 instead. First off, I'm surprised I'm getting the truck from them, since there was no mention of this when I made all the arrangements, but 8am means an earlier start, so there's no issue there. It wasn't quite as convenient as if I was getting the truck from my own storage place, but it worked out well enough, so it ended up being a non-issue.

Next, the washer and dryer. After getting all the details straightened out with the moving truck, I get a call from Furniture Fair saying that my washer and dryer won't be in until Friday. I was supposed to pick them up on Thursday. It's when I have the moving truck. It's when I told them I was picking them up. I even called them two days in advance as they requested to remind them. When I asked why they wouldn't be in the store, I was told that they had the wrong hoses with the washer, so they didn't send the washer and dryer from the warehouse. Apparently they couldn't send the hoses separately. So, I tell them that that is not acceptable. I did everything I was told to do and had made arrangements to get the washer and dryer on Thursday. I didn't have access to a truck on Friday. The woman on the phone understands and tells me that I can come pick it up on Friday. So, rather than waste more time trying to get a resolution from her, I go to the store and ask to speak to a manager. He ultimately offers to have the washer and dryer delivered to my home on Friday, free of charge, which I can live with.

Finally, move-in day. Naturally, it's pouring down rain. Despite the weather, I'm able to move all of my possessions by myself and finish dumping it all in my apartment by noon. I return the truck, and spend the rest of the day getting all the furniture roughly where I want it and stacking boxes in out of the way places until I have a chance to sort through them all.

As for the washer and dryer...

Friday rolls around, and Furniture Fair comes to deliver my washer and dryer. The three stooges proceed to unbox the units and lower them out of the truck. As Moe works on hooking the washer up, Curly tries plugging the wiring harness for the dryer into the wall to "see if it fits". Not only does it fit, but we discover that if you touch two exposed wires together, it creates a spark. We also learn that when you run enough electricity through two exposed, touching wires, it burns up said wires. And it trips a breaker. Fortunately, Larry was able to find a spare wiring harness on the truck, and they were able to finish installing the washer and dryer with no further damage. Afterwards, they inquired about a tip.

So, that about sums up my experience moving into my new place. I'm still sorting through boxes of miscellaneous stuff that I could probably afford to throw out, but for the most part, I'm settled in and getting used to the place. I'm curious what adventures I'll experience here and wonder if I'll be happy here. I guess only time will tell.

---

A New Year: Looking Back and Looking Ahead

I'm a bit late on this, but it's a new year, which means time for reflection on my goals for the previous year, and planning for the year ahead.

I'm not typically one to make resolutions, as that seems to be a sure-fire way to guarantee that you won't accomplish anything. Everyone gives up on their new year resolution by February, and since I'm only just now accepting that there's a new year, I'm already behind the curve on that. That being said, I do try to come up with goals for the year, and make them nebulous enough where I can accomplish them without much thought on my part.

Here was my list for 2014:

1. Go someplace I haven't been before
2. Use vacation time to actually take a vacation
3. Eat at 5 restaurants I haven't been to before
4. Eat/drink 5 things I haven't tried before
5. Browse 5 stores I haven't been to before
6. Read 10 books I haven't read before
7. Watch a movie I'd ordinarily pass on
8. Do/try 5 things I haven't done/tried before
9. Have people over to my house for dinner
10. Go on a date

As for how I did...

1. Go someplace I haven't been before - I did hang out at some new friends' house this past year, so I'd say that counts, if only barely.
2. Use vacation time to actually take a vacation - I went to Nekocon this year in Virginia, using some of my vacation time in the process, so I'd say that was a vacation.
3. Eat at 5 restaurants I haven't been to before - I think I actually managed to accomplish this one.
4. Eat/drink 5 things I haven't tried before - I definitely managed to accomplish this one.
5. Browse 5 stores I haven't been to before - I failed on this one.
6. Read 10 books I haven't read before - I accomplished this one.
7. Watch a movie I'd ordinarily pass on - I actually saw several movies this past year that I'd ordinarily pass on.
8. Do/try 5 things I haven't done/tried before - This one was too vague. If I count food and drink, then definitely accomplished. But those were both mentioned above, so I'm thinking that doesn't count. That being said, I'd be willing to accept that I have had at least five new life experiences this year, so I'd say that counts.
9. Have people over to my house for dinner - I'm happy to say that I accomplished this one. I had a few house guests throughout the year, and all of them happily let me cook for them (whether they'd happily let me do it again remains to be seen...)
10. Go on a date - Moving on.

So, yeah, miserable love life and lack of window shopping aside (and with a healthy dose of loophole abuse), I think I did a fairly good job accomplishing my goals for 2014. A solid 8 out of 10.

As for 2015...

I think this year, rather than create some sort of laundry list of things to do or try, I want to take a different approach to this year. So, instead of a list of things to try, I only have a single goal this year, though it involves multiple steps to achieve.

• Be a better person

I realize that seems vague. That's actually kind of the point. What exactly is a good person? How exactly can one person be better than a former version of themselves? I hope to discover that this year.

My plan is to focus on different aspects of my life and make improvements on them:

• Be better physically. Be more active. Make positive changes to my diet. Exercise more.
• Be better financially. Establish a budget. Work on paying off my debts. Live within my means.
• Be better spiritually. Live my life with a clear conscience.
• Be better mentally. Don't dwell on my shortcomings or mistakes.
• Be better socially. Learn to communicate with people and not just the handful I'm comfortable with.
• Be better emotionally. Learn to love myself.

I'm still figuring out how to approach all these aspects and in what ways I can improve upon them, even if only slightly. So, it will be a journey this year. I'll offer progress periodically, so that I can remind and encourage myself to press on and continue.

Here's hoping everyone's year is off to a good start.

Moving On

Well, Christmas is behind us and a new year is right around the corner. Today holds its own significance for me, though.

It's moving day.

I moved into my apartment two and a half years ago. I was looking to move out of my brother's house and have my own place to live. My friend Aimée told me about a vacancy in the apartment next to hers. A quick chat with the landlady and a security deposit later, and I was the proud tenant of a two-story townhouse.

Moving in, I never really thought of the place as anything more than a place to rest my head. I figured I'd hang out with Aimée a bit more, and that would be about it. Looking back on it now, I'm surprised by all the fond memories I have of this place.

I can remember my first Thanksgiving here. My sister lives out of town with her husband and my dad, stepmom, and little brother are all typically out of town for the holiday, so it's usually my brother, my mom, and myself. I offered to host the event that year. I didn't cook the traditional Thanksgiving meal, but we had food and it was good. This was the first time I cooked for people in my new place.

I can remember the first Super Bowl I watched here, though to say I watched it would be generous. I'd typically go to my dad's to hang out and watch the game, but opted to stay home this time. Aimée came over and hovered over my shoulder as she had me watch the first episode of City Hunter, my first experience with Korean drama shows.

I can remember my struggles with pest control. The area is plagued with water bug/beetle things and it wasn't uncommon for them to make their way inside during the winter months. Sure, they sprayed annually, and sure the bugs would die, but they'd make it inside first. I didn't always wait for the poison to take effect. Then there was the first (and only) time a mouse got in the house. I was on my couch, watching TV, when I saw movement scurry across the floor. A couple strategically placed traps later, and I no longer had a roommate.

I can remember the harrowing tales of my neighbor's cat escaping the confines of her home. One of Aimée's cats developed an affinity for the outdoors and we spent one particular afternoon hunting it down in the ditch next to the apartment complex. I tumbled down the embankment, landing in the water below. After we finally coaxed him out of a drainpipe, I'd end up falling and impaling my hand on a rock. It was also the time I bought my very own first aid kit. He'd later get out again later, this time without anyone's knowledge. It wasn't until one of the other neighbors asked me if the cat looked familiar that anyone knew he had gotten out. My friend wouldn't be home for a few hours, so I ended up cat sitting for the interim.

I can remember Halloween, when Aimée came over to work on a cosplay costume, which involved cutting an awful lot of fake fur material. Once it was all said and done, it looked like a cat had exploded in my living room. To this day, I still find tufts of fur.

I can remember my parents giving me their old grill and learning how to use it for the first time. Mom would later come over for her birthday and I would grill chicken for her and my brother. Despite never having done it before, it turned out well.

I can remember having Stacie and Rob, a couple friends from out of town stay over. I'd never really had guests stay over before, so it was fun staying up late, playing games, watching TV, and just rambling on. We hung out on my back patio while I took another attempt at grilling.

Those are just a few of the memories I have. I have others, but I think I'll save those for myself.

Anyway, this year, I decided that it was time to move. The rent was higher than I'd prefer for a long term living situation. Rather than hold out for a potential raise from work, or find a second job, it seemed like a better idea to just move. So, today, I'm packing up my stuff and saying goodbye.

Thanks to everyone who helped make this place feel more like a home. I'll always treasure the memories.

Working the Annual Christmas Party

A couple years ago, I helped a friend of mine out by working at her boss's Christmas party. (Actually, that sounds like I'm doing my friend the favor. Since it's a paying gig, really, they're doing me the favor, as money is always tight around Christmas).

It was my first time doing something like this so, to be perfectly honest, I was terrified. I'm not really a people person, I don't do well with strangers, I tend to panic in large crowds, I've never worked in the food service industry, take your pick on what might make me uncomfortable.

When I was hired, I was told I'd probably be parking cars. I know how to point and I wouldn't have to deal with a lot of people outside of "please park to the left", so this sounded like my dream job. Since I'd be outside in the cold, all I needed was some black pants and my black jacket, to make sure I was easy to run over in the dark. My friend loaned me a pair of gloves, and I made sure to wear a second pair of socks, to keep my feet warm. I was prepared.

We arrived to the party and the boss started handing out our jobs. They had enough help with car parking (uh oh), so I was to help my friend with the bar (UH OH). Again, I've never worked in the food industry, and dealing with people are not my strong points. Add to that, I could probably count the number of mixed drinks I've had on both of my hands with fingers left over. Then it was clarified that I would be basically keeping an eye on the bar and making sure wine and drinks were in good supply and fetching anything the bartenders would need. I've played go-fer for my dad on...well, pretty much every job I've worked with him on, so we're playing to my strengths again.

Someone shows me where all the excess stock is located and then the guests start to arrive.

I have been invited to two parties over the course of my years (three, if you count my surprise birthday party). One was fresh out of high school, when alcohol and I were not on speaking terms, making it a rather dull experience for myself, and the other was a birthday party that a friend supposedly threw for me, which was the saddest party ever thrown. This party was unlike either of those experiences.

For starters, there was a ton of people there. And despite the size of the house, they were all congregating around the bar.

And the strange thing is, despite my lack of any social skills, and how busy, noisy, and crowded it was, I actually had fun. I enjoyed people watching. I got to know a couple of the other folks who were helping a bit better. And on some subtle level, I developed an appreciation for football.

There were times where I would need to fetch a bottle of wine from storage, with a mob of people separating me from my goal. Since clubbing the party-goers with the bottle of wine was frowned upon, that meant slipping past them, clinging to the bottle like a football. By the end of the night, I was quite good at it.

So, yeah, it was a memorable experience. And despite the frustrations that come with the job, it was one that I was happy to do again.

Christmas Time

It's December, which means it's finally Christmas season.

Well, for some, Christmas season started in October.

I don't like Christmas.

Well, I should clarify. I like the spirit of Christmas. I like having time off from work. Time I can use to visit with my family. Time I can spend at my Mom's house, visiting with her. Time I can spend at my Dad's house, visiting with him, my stepmom, and my little brother. Time I can spend with my older brother, and my sister and her husband. Time I can even spend with my extended family that I don't see much throughout the year. Time I can spend with my friends and loved ones.

What I don't like is the commercial behemoth that Christmas has become.

Every year, the Christmas holiday season arrives earlier and earlier. It's not uncommon now to see Christmas decorations sitting on store shelves in September. And as the seasonal juggernaut rumbles to life, it proceeds to suck all the joy, and togetherness, and love from the holiday.

Time normally spent with your loved ones is instead spent wandering from store to store looking for the perfect gift for them. The roads and stores become clogged with people and tempers are at an all-time high. They pump Christmas music over the in-store speakers and on the radio to try to instill some Christmas spirit in everyone, but its jarring to hear such uplifting music as you yell at your fellow man.

Sung to the tune of O Come All Ye Faithful

So, in the end, it kind of just spoils the mood for me.

Why I'm Thankful

As November draws to a close, Americans set aside the last Thursday of the month to celebrate Thanksgiving, a day dedicated to eating, shopping, football, and maybe, just maybe, being thankful for the blessings in one's life.

What do we have to be thankful for? Typically, we give thanks for the blessings in our life. The pay raises we received, the good news the doctor delivered, finding the remote control, things of that nature. But who is to say that we should only be thankful for the positive outcomes in our life?

I believe each person is the product of every decision they've made and situation they've encountered, be them good or bad. They all add up, like puzzle pieces, to create the image of who we are.

As humans, we learn lessons from our mistakes. We grow stronger from the hardships that we endure. So, shouldn't we celebrate and be thankful for these moments as well?

This year, I want to express my gratitude for the people who have had an impact on my life, both positive and negative, as each and every one of them has had an impact on my becoming the man I am today.

My parents. You raised me. You taught me to be a better person and to stand up for what I think is right. You worked hard to provide for me. You taught me to fend for myself, but also not to feel ashamed if I need to ask for help. You taught me to work hard and take pride in whatever I do, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. You've always believed in me, even when I couldn't believe in myself. Even when I go down a different path than you would chose for me, you've always been proud of me and supported me. Thank you.

My grandma. You're not with us anymore, but you played just as big a role in raising me as my parents. You always provided a place for us to stay after school or over the summer. We were always welcome in your home. You taught us to be thankful and to have faith, no matter how rough life got. You always gave for us, even when you couldn't afford to give anymore. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. Thank you.

My brother Charles. You were perhaps my first friend. Growing up, I looked up to you, as is typical of a younger brother. Though we fought like any sibling, you always had my back when it came to the rest of the world. When it came time to move away from home, you welcomed me into your house and have since offered the same hospitality when I needed a place to stay. Thank you.

My sister Casey. Sure, we may not have gotten along much growing up, but when we were little, you were my voice when I couldn't speak. Now that we're older and I have my own voice, you still find ways to show that you care, which I will always appreciate. Thank you.

My brother Jacob. I've watched you grow up and helped take care of and raise you. When you were little, you idolized me and in many ways, we were best friends. You gave my life purpose where I could never find any before. Thank you.

My cousin Trey. You've been the relative I've probably spent the most time with outside of my parents. We share a lot of interests, and you are always interested in hanging out with no preference on what we do. Thank you.

My cousin Rachel. You used to take care of us when we were growing up. We haven't hung out a lot in recent times, but we share a similar mindset. You've shown a willingness to talk with me and offer advice when I'm troubled, for which I will always be appreciative. Thank you.

My friend Aimée. You were probably the first real friend I ever had. You taught me that I don't have to be content with people using me and abusing me just for the sake of having a friend. You encouraged me to try new things and to broaden my horizons. When I had my blood pressure scare, you supported me and helped me cope with the changes I had to make in my life. We may not always agree on things, but you will always be my friend. Thank you.

My friends Stacie and Rob. Though we've only recently started hanging out, I feel like you guys have been a part of my life for years. You understand how my mind works and have been tremendous help in me figuring out how to interact with the rest of the world. You've always shown a willingness to listen to my life story and share in my ups and downs. You helped me continue to seek out new experiences and have helped me come out of my shell more than I would have thought possible. Because of you, I don't feel quite so alone anymore. Thank you.

My friend Cliff. You reached out to me to become my friend. Though we don't always see eye-to-eye on things, you encourage me to continue growing as a person and to not let the negative things in my life get me down. Thank you.

My coworkers Richie, Rocky, and Margie. You taught me that work doesn't have to be serious and that we can have fun while still being productive. Though we don't hang out outside the office and though we may not always get along, I still consider you friends. Thank you.

Scott and Joe. Though we aren't friends now, you helped me get through a tough time at work, when they had us rotating shifts and I suddenly found myself cut off from my normal social circle. Hanging out with you guys opened the door for me to meet new people and establish more lasting friendships. The way you treated me taught me to be more conscientious of my actions and how others might perceive them. Thank you.

And those are just a few of the people who have played a role in my life. I could fill this post with the names of other family, friends, coworkers, loved ones, and people that have touched my life and guided my path to where I am now. I appreciate them all and thank them all for their mark on my life.

But I think that's enough self-reflection on my part. I welcome you all to take a moment from your day to reflect on the people who have steered your paths and touched your lives.

Then resume bludgeoning your neighbor to death for that last HD TV at the door buster sale at Walmart.

Happy Thanksgiving!