For as long as I've remembered, I've heard voices in my head. Now, to be clear, I'm not talking about the crazy voices that tell you to set fire to things or to hurt people.
Those voices only pop up when I'm seated next to a toddler at a restaurant
No, rather, these voices are more like voices of doubt. Those nagging little voices that tell you that you're wrong, or that you're going to make a fool of yourself. The voices that tell you that people don't like you or that they are making fun of you. And the thing is, I imagine everyone has those little voices. The problem I have is that there's no filter and no off switch. Every day for me is a series of endless, overlapping conversations, picking apart everything I do and everything happening around me.
For instance, let's take a typical day at work:
"Uh oh, a server just went down."
"Maybe someone is patching it. Let's give it a few minutes and see if it comes back up." "But what if they aren't patching?"
"It's the normal maintenance window, so it--" "Now it's been down two minutes. What if it's broken?"
"I'm sure it's fine." "But what if it isn't?"
"It's fine, isn't it?" "It's been down three minutes. Can we call someone yet?"
In those circumstances, 99% of the time, everything is perfectly fine, but sitting there, staring at that screen waiting for it to clear is torture.
Social situations are no better:
"I don't know what I want to eat." "You better think of something, she already knows what she wants." "I could get the same thing I always get." "I dunno, she might judge you for being boring." "She's never judged me before." "That you know of!"
"But why would she--" "Because you're boring."
"..." "You still don't know what you want to eat, do you?"
Even making a simple phone call can be tiring:
"You're not going to call them, are you?"
"Why not? They call me from time to time with no real purpose. Why can't I?" "What if they're busy?"
"Well--" "You could be interrupting something important. They do have a life outside of you, you know!"
"True--" "Do you have anything to talk about?"
"Actually, no--" "If you call them, they're going to be expecting you to have a reason for calling. You can't just call them up out of the blue, never mind if you're disrupting their day or not, and then ramble on about something stupid, or worse, sit in silence expecting them to talk to you!"
"Why not? My friends call me and talk to me. Why can't I talk to them?" "Because they have interesting things to talk about! They don't have to have conversations in their head to figure out what a good topic of conversation would be. What would you talk to them about?"
",,,"
These are of course generalized. To get a better idea of just what goes on in my head on a daily basis, imagine those conversations overlapped with similar conversations, working out the different ways I can be helpful with the given situation at work, all while considering all the ways I could make things worse. Or thinking about what I should order while thinking about every possible path the conversation could go, good or bad. It's quite exhausting, which is why most days I'm perfectly content to just stay home and avoid it all.
Not that that is much quieter. When I'm at home, there's the inevitable question of how to pass the time, which brings on another overlapping chorus of voices with suggestions and arguments about how to best pass the time. Most of the time, I just side step the whole issue by watching reruns of the Simpsons.
Truth be told, I can only think of one particular time when all the conflicting voices shut up. It was a rather unique situation that I found myself in. In that given moment, I should have been bombarded with every form of confusion, self doubt, and worry. But instead, it was as if every voice decided unanimously to sit back and just wait to see what happened next.
Now, I won't disclose just what happened, as it is a memory I'd like to keep for myself, but I can say that at that time, I had a moment of actual peace and calm. I was happy, and for that moment I didn't feel abnormal or an outsider or any of the feelings I typically have when trying to interact with others. It was nice. And it lasted right up until someone asked me a question that I wasn't prepared for and brought all those voices of doubt crashing back into my head and drowning everything out with a chorus of overlapping shouts of worry, concern, anxiety, and regret.
And, unfortunately, I've never really been able to capture that moment again.
So, all I can do is learn to deal with it. Over the years, I've managed to adjust the volume a bit on the nagging voices. They're still there, but at least I can function despite them.
I usually like to end these posts with a joke or some sort of funny drawing, but something's telling me that perhaps I've rambled on long enough.
As a self-diagnosed introvert, I've never really found it comfortable or easy to interact with other people (as we've discussed a timeor two). Growing up, it didn't seem so hard, as I don't really recall having problems talking to other people, though I never really had a lot of friends. But the older I've gotten, the more difficult it has gotten to just have a normal conversation with people. As you could imagine, this makes it hard to make new friends, or go on dates, or even something as simple as making idle conversation with the cashier at the grocery store.
I don't know what the problem is and it's hard to describe. It's like there's a barrier separating me from the rest of the world, like I'm trapped in a box.
I can see what's going on around me. I can interact with other people. There's just something between us that keeps me from really understanding them and vice versa. So, rather than talk, I mostly observe and listen. It happens all the time, be it when I'm sitting at work, listening to my coworkers talk about a TV show they watched recently, or when I visit family and listen to them talk about work, and home, and life in general.
It makes for awkward social encounters. People can tell that I am not behaving like everyone else, as if they can actually see the box that I'm sitting in. Think about this: the average person is walking down the street and sees a man sitting in a box. Do they ask him why he's sitting in the box or do they look straight ahead and walk past him? Most people would just keep walking. I'm not sure which is worse, the ones who walk past, or the ones who try to help.
In the past, I've had people try to help me by forcing me to be social. I'm not opposed to meeting new people. In fact, it's something I really want to do. It's just the approaches aren't always suited towards my rather fragile mindset. Once, a friend invited me along with him on a road trip to the mountains, where we'd be going to a Renaissance Fair. I've never been to one before, so I was interested in the idea. Of course, then he described the travel arrangements to me. We'd set off a good three or four days before the fair, making stops along the way to the homes of a bunch of his other friends, making use of their hospitality for our overnight accommodations. This bothered me for a few reasons.
First of all, I felt like I'd be asking perfect strangers to let me stay on their couch for the night. I'm not comfortable asking my closest family and friends for help or favors, so asking acquaintances, friend-of-a-friends and people I've never met fall deep within the "Brian's not comfortable" territory.
Second, the only thing I'd have in common with all of the people we'd be surrounded with is our one mutual friend. And since the whole point of the trip was for him to get reacquainted with all these familiar faces from his past, I felt like I'd more or less spend the entire trip listening to a bunch of people reminisce about stories that I had no context for, which lands me back in the outsider territory where I'm just watching other people interact and have fun.
Still, it was nice to be invited along, but I politely declined the offer. And a lot of the other social gatherings I've been invited to over the years have more or less played out the same way. Someone with their heart in the right place invites me along to an event without really thinking how I might take it, because they can't really see the way I see the world. Again, it's a nice gesture, and one that I appreciate, but it feels like throwing me into the deep end of the swimming pool and telling me that I'll figure out how to swim.
That's why I've been thankful for the friends I've found over the past year. They're people who can appreciate and understand my mindset, my social anxiety, and where I'm coming from. Maybe they've encountered people like me before, or maybe they've spent time trapped in their own box. Whatever the case, they've been far more patient and understanding when it comes to easing me into new social settings than other people I've known. When the typical response is to try to upend the box and dump me out, its far more comforting to have people who don't treat you like there's something wrong with you and just treat you like a friend.
As we've touched on a time or two in the past, I'm not very good at social interactions. It can be frustrating watching other people strike up conversations and carry on without a care in the world, while I always feel trapped and panicked, unsure of exactly what to say, what to do, how to keep the conversation going, or sometimes how to mercy kill the entire awkward encounter.
Talking to people, for me, feels like playing the verbal version of Dance Dance Revolution, only none of the verbal cues are scrolling up the screen, so I keep missing them.
Is there a lower difficulty than "Pants-on-head Retarded"?
Of course, you still have to talk to people, regardless of how difficult it may seem, because the only thing worse than awkwardly powering your way through a conversation is silently staring at someone as they're trying to have a conversation with you.
What makes it all so difficult for me is the tremendous amount of pressure I always feel to perform, to be "on", to just fill the role that the normal world wants me to fill. Interacting with more functional people always puts pressure on me to help carry the conversational ball. That's not to say that I loathe everyone I talk to, as that couldn't be farther from the truth, I just don't know how to talk to them! There aren't many aspects of my life where I don't feel pressured.
Interacting at work
Our department is kind of isolated from the rest of the building, so we don't really pass a lot of people in the hallway and aren't forced into a lot of small talk. But sometimes, you have to venture out to ask a question about a server that's showing down, or report some other problem. Because I'm not overly talkative, I've developed a reputation at work that whenever you see Brian coming, you duck and cover because he's bringing a problem with him. So, I get criticism that I never come to just chat and see how things are going. I don't think anyone means to hurt my feelings when they say it, but that's just how my brain takes things. So, I feel pressured in going to be social with these people. And for me, it's not just a matter of striking up a conversation. No, I have to mentally prepare myself, like I'm going into battle. Paul and Mark are two of my best work friends outside of my department. I've talked with them over the years, I've gamed with them over the years. Yet, I still have to mentally psyche myself up for 5-10 minutes before wandering down to one of their cubicles to see what they're up to or if they've played any good games lately.
And you have to talk at work. If you're quiet, people call you out on it, with comments suggesting that you're acting like someone ran over your family pet or something. So you can't not talk, even if all you want to do is not have anyone cast a spotlight on you.
Interacting with family
Conversations with the family aren't much easier. Whenever I go to visit a parent, or a sibling, or a cousin, or whoever, I have to go through a mental checklist of which topics to discuss and which ones to ignore. I try not to ask too many questions about how anyone is doing, as if they aren't doing well, then I'm causing them more discomfort having to relive the experience. I also avoid anything negative going on in my own life, as I don't want to cause any more burden on anyone. So, I mostly just listen while I'm there. I feel bad sitting there and not saying anything, but it seems like the best compromise, as I don't feel like I'm imposing on anyone by disrupting their normal routines. When it comes time to leave, I feel guilty for going, because I don't want anyone to think I'm rushing off and glad to be leaving, but I'm just mentally exhausted and need to go home and recharge.
Interacting at church
Church is a very social environment, as you're supposed to share in fellowship. But it also feels like forced social interaction. It is nice setting foot in a place where you feel that the bulk of the people you bump into are genuinely glad to see you, but it is very difficult trying to talk to them all as well. Because you can't just say "hey" and go take a seat. You have to tell them what's happening with you, ask the appropriate questions to find out what's happening with them, and so on. On top of that, there's a forced introduction at the start of services, where you have to go around and talk to people and shake their hands. You cannot sit down and hope that no one notices you, you have to stand there and wait for the more functional social butterflies to come and greet you. And the hand shaking bothers me as well. There are one, maybe two people outside of relatives who I am comfortable touching. But you can't really tell people you're uncomfortable.
So, despite usually enjoying the experience afterwards, there are many days where I have to engage in a battle of wills to even go. If I can't make it to the first church service with the lower attendance, I don't even bother going to the second service.
Interacting with friends
As we've touched on a time or two, I've never had a lot of friends, and most of the ones I have had tend to be the more extroverted/borderline self-centered types. I just attract the type, which makes sense. I'm normally quiet and attentive, which gives people who like to talk about themselves a stage on which they can perform. So, conversations with these people tends to be a gauntlet of me asking all the questions necessary to allow them to talk about themselves, with my own well being not really being a topic of interest or discussion.
That being said, I have had a few friends who I feel more comfortable interacting with. I'd estimate that I have four good friends that I can really interact with, one of whom I feel I can talk to about anything with nothing but understanding on their end. (I don't like being in the spotlight, so I'll not be shining any spotlights on them)
Decisions
Social interactions aren't the only facets of my life where I feel tremendous pressure. Decision making can be crippling.
Allow me to walk you through my decision making process.
I'm with a friend, let's call this friend Lisa. Lisa and I are trying to figure out where we'd like to eat for dinner. Lisa asks if I have a preference.
What is my preference? I had McDonald's for lunch, which hardly checks off any boxes for things I no longer have a taste for, so that doesn't narrow the choices down. Besides, Lisa won't want to eat there for dinner, so I've eliminated no viable choices. I'm always partial to steak. But chicken is good. As is beef. And pork. And recently I developed a fondness of seafood too. So, yeah, no particular taste of what I want. Fine, how about steak, then? What's my budget? What's Lisa's budget? I don't want to pick a place that might not be cost effective for Lisa. So, let's not say steak. Besides, if we get steak, where do we go? Does the menu have a big enough assortment, where if Lisa decided she wanted pasta instead, she can find something? Wait, doesn't Lisa hate that particular restaurant anyway? Why does it matter, didn't we eliminate steak? Okay, budget. What's something middle of the road? If we go fast food, Lisa's going to judge me. If we go 5-star, Lisa might feel uncomfortable, or worse think that I'm coming onto her! I can't afford 5-star anyway. I don't know where 5-star is in this city! Okay, this is taking too long. Where are places we usually go? Lisa likes Cheddar's, but I don't want to keep going to the same place over and over again. But what if Lisa does? Well, what about a place with a similar menu? No, if we're going to a place with a similar menu, we might as well go to Cheddar's. But if we go there now, will it be too busy? I don't want to have to wait. I don't know when they close. What time is it now? Wait, are we going there?! How about some place I've always wanted to try. But I don't know when they close either. And what's on the menu? What if it's a bad place? If it's a bad place, will Lisa remember this next time she wants to go out to eat? Why is she staring at me? Say something. Say anything! Pick a place! PICK A PLACE!
At this point, the only logical option was to drive off a cliff...
And that is the conversation that plays through my head for any decisions, any conversation, any interaction I have with people. It's too much pressure.
I don't share any of this to offer any excuse for being difficult to interact with. Nor am I demanding that people adjust the way they approach me to cater to my own needs. As easy as that would make my life, I'm not that self-centered, plus I think we've established pretty well by now that I cannot say or do anything that I feel might inconvenience someone else. I just share so people can understand. If I'm not talking to you, there's a good chance it isn't because I don't want to talk to you, I just don't know how.
And that's why, a lot of the time, I'm happy to just go home at the end of the day and not talk to anyone. Not because I'm anti-social, but because I'm just that awful at it.
Recently, I got to hang out with a few friends, which was a nice break from the monotony of Go to Work/Go Home/Go to Work/Go Home. Well, we were trying to figure out what to do for dinner that night, and we all remembered that Brian had never been to Moe's. I've driven past several Moe's restaurants in my travels, I had just never been inside. I heard good things about the food, so it was definitely on my list of things to try. So, I was delighted to go. And so, we all hop in the car and head over to Moe's. The staff is friendly, which is nice, but the menu is foreign to me, so I take a minute to read over my choices. And it becomes apparent to me that Moe's is the Mexican equivalent of Subway. You tell them you want a burrito, but then you have to walk them through every single option of what you want on the burrito. You can't just order a #3, you have to tell them the tortilla, the meat, the cheese, the extras and add-ons. It's a whole process. I felt myself starting to unravel as I stared at the menu board.
"Welcome to panic attack!"
Meanwhile, my friends are ahead of me in line (make a decision Brian) they're going through the whole ordering process (you're going to hold them up Brian) and the restaurant is closing soon (you like Mexican food Brian) and there's people behind me in line (pick something) so I'm holding everyone up (seriously, you have, like 4 choices) so maybe I won't eat (then they'll think they picked a bad place) I'm not that hungry anyway (why are you so bad at this) and now my friend is looking at me (she's going to think you're crazy) and my other friend is looking as well (he knows you're crazy) and now she's walking over (you're making them uncomfortable) she's getting closer (you're going to cause them problems why can't you just pick something it's not that hard people do it all the time but you can't do it why can't you do it why are you such a failure why is life so hard for you pick something Pick Something PICK SOMETHING!!!)
But instead of hiding their heads because I was on the verge of making a scene, or judging me, or anything, they helped explain the choices. This one comes with this, that one comes with that. Just follow us through the order process and you'll know what you have to choose from. It was okay to be panicked, it was okay to be overwhelmed, it wasn't a problem, it wasn't a burden. They understood.
They understood.
So, for once, there wasn't any pressure.
(borrowing the idea of including a song with the post from a friend. Don't sue!)
