Welcome to My World

It has never been easy for me to express myself.

When I was young, I didn't really talk. In fact, I've been told that the first few years of my life were mostly in silence. My twin sister would do most of the talking for me.

Of course, she was using me to get the things she wanted.

Eventually, I found my own voice. I still didn't talk much, but when I did, I made it clear what I wanted to say.

Oddly, when I was little, I called my Grandma "Mom" and my Mom "Patti"

I've never really outgrown this mindset. I don't talk much. When you're socially awkward, you don't get many opportunities to do so. I find it difficult to talk to people that I don't know, and even with most people that I do know, I rarely delve into anything personal. I can ramble on about a movie I saw, or some news item that might be worth discussing, but I don't really talk about me, my thoughts, or my feelings.

I realize that it can come across as kind of cold or arrogant when someone is talking to you and you don't really respond. But I am listening, trying to learn about the person who is talking to me. Once I know them, I know what subjects I can mention, what mannerisms they accept, what offends them, what they want from me in the conversation.

Even then, I don't talk a lot. It isn't disinterest, or lack of attention. I'm just trying to figure out what to say.

It can be exhausting living in my head.

I've learned a great deal about the people I spend time with, but I feel that I've never really given them the opportunity to learn about me. I do try sometimes.

Some don't want me to dwell on unpleasant things, even if I feel the need to vent.

Based on an actual conversation

Others aren't interested in listening at all.

Sadly, also based on an actual conversation

That's not to say I don't have people I feel comfortable with. I do have a friend that I feel I can talk to about anything. We just don't always get the chance.

It makes for an interesting conversation, since you never know where it will end up.

Which is why we're here. This seems like an interesting experiment. An opportunity to open the door to the inner workings of my mind, share my thoughts, vent my frustrations, and maybe share a bit about myself and my journey. And who knows, maybe I'll write something worth reading.