As a self-diagnosed introvert, I've never really found it comfortable or easy to interact with other people (as we've discussed a timeor two). Growing up, it didn't seem so hard, as I don't really recall having problems talking to other people, though I never really had a lot of friends. But the older I've gotten, the more difficult it has gotten to just have a normal conversation with people. As you could imagine, this makes it hard to make new friends, or go on dates, or even something as simple as making idle conversation with the cashier at the grocery store.
I don't know what the problem is and it's hard to describe. It's like there's a barrier separating me from the rest of the world, like I'm trapped in a box.
I can see what's going on around me. I can interact with other people. There's just something between us that keeps me from really understanding them and vice versa. So, rather than talk, I mostly observe and listen. It happens all the time, be it when I'm sitting at work, listening to my coworkers talk about a TV show they watched recently, or when I visit family and listen to them talk about work, and home, and life in general.
It makes for awkward social encounters. People can tell that I am not behaving like everyone else, as if they can actually see the box that I'm sitting in. Think about this: the average person is walking down the street and sees a man sitting in a box. Do they ask him why he's sitting in the box or do they look straight ahead and walk past him? Most people would just keep walking. I'm not sure which is worse, the ones who walk past, or the ones who try to help.
In the past, I've had people try to help me by forcing me to be social. I'm not opposed to meeting new people. In fact, it's something I really want to do. It's just the approaches aren't always suited towards my rather fragile mindset. Once, a friend invited me along with him on a road trip to the mountains, where we'd be going to a Renaissance Fair. I've never been to one before, so I was interested in the idea. Of course, then he described the travel arrangements to me. We'd set off a good three or four days before the fair, making stops along the way to the homes of a bunch of his other friends, making use of their hospitality for our overnight accommodations. This bothered me for a few reasons.
First of all, I felt like I'd be asking perfect strangers to let me stay on their couch for the night. I'm not comfortable asking my closest family and friends for help or favors, so asking acquaintances, friend-of-a-friends and people I've never met fall deep within the "Brian's not comfortable" territory.
Second, the only thing I'd have in common with all of the people we'd be surrounded with is our one mutual friend. And since the whole point of the trip was for him to get reacquainted with all these familiar faces from his past, I felt like I'd more or less spend the entire trip listening to a bunch of people reminisce about stories that I had no context for, which lands me back in the outsider territory where I'm just watching other people interact and have fun.
Still, it was nice to be invited along, but I politely declined the offer. And a lot of the other social gatherings I've been invited to over the years have more or less played out the same way. Someone with their heart in the right place invites me along to an event without really thinking how I might take it, because they can't really see the way I see the world. Again, it's a nice gesture, and one that I appreciate, but it feels like throwing me into the deep end of the swimming pool and telling me that I'll figure out how to swim.
That's why I've been thankful for the friends I've found over the past year. They're people who can appreciate and understand my mindset, my social anxiety, and where I'm coming from. Maybe they've encountered people like me before, or maybe they've spent time trapped in their own box. Whatever the case, they've been far more patient and understanding when it comes to easing me into new social settings than other people I've known. When the typical response is to try to upend the box and dump me out, its far more comforting to have people who don't treat you like there's something wrong with you and just treat you like a friend.
I recently changed service providers for my cellphone. I walked into the US Cellular store to ask a question about my bill, mainly why it was so high. I have a single line plan that I barely use (convenient, since the coverage area for US Cellular is ridiculously small), but I was paying nearly $100 a month to have it. And that's with an apparent discount from my employer! I had seen several plans on their website that seemed far more affordable and better suited for my needs, so I wanted to look into downgrading to one of these plans. I found myself annoyed immediately, since the store was packed. So, I end up waiting nearly half an hour before I get to the front of the line. I tell her my problem and ask if there's a cheaper plan I can switch to. She tells me that I'm on the cheapest plan they offer. I point out that there's a sign on her desk advertising cheaper plans than what I'm paying. She tells me that those are only if you're part of a business. Alternately, I could get on a multi-line plan, which individually would be cheaper. I'm single and live alone, so I don't exactly have someone to split a bill with. And starting my own business seems like a lot of work just to get a smaller phone bill. So, I tell the woman that I'm just going to look for another service provider. My customer service representative couldn't care less, so I leave.
So, I go home and I look up service providers. Verizon offers plans more in my price range and better suited for my needs. So I chat with a customer service representative online (my preferred way of dealing with customer service) and figure out the plan that best works for me. This woman was much friendlier and far more helpful than the person I had just dealt with, which was a bonus. In the end, I go to the local Verizon store and switch providers with minimal hassle.
While I was going through the whole process, it made me reflect on some of the customer service experiences I've had.
In a roundabout way, I work in customer service. As one of our duties, we have to cover the help desk during the off hours. Typically, you do not catch people at their best moment when they have to call the help desk. So, I can appreciate that people tend to not be in the best of moods or that they might react to an inability to help rather poorly. As such, I try to maintain my temper when dealing with customer service representatives, because I also understand that they are just the face of the problem and that they rarely have a lot to do with whatever the solution may be.
That being said, some customer service representatives I've dealt with seem to go out of their way to make the problem, and the whole experience much worse. I think the all time worst experience I've had with customer service was when I was trying to upgrade my cable service.
I live in an apartment, and one of the perks is that basic cable is offered as part of the rental agreement. I have an HD TV and was looking to upgrade my service and perhaps add on a DVR. I had previously added cable internet to my service with no issue, so I wasn't expecting much of a hassle. I chatted with a representative online and determined that it would be a minimal change to my bill, and that I could get TiVo for not much more than that. So, I went to Suddenlink's local office to do the actual upgrade. At this point, I learned that TiVo is such a sophisticated piece of technology that requires a technician to come install it for you, so I couldn't take my new TiVo home with me and instead had to set up an appointment. I pick a time that I'm not at work and prepare for the wait. The technician arrives at a reasonable time and I am wowed by his extensive training as he proceeds to plug one hole in the box to the wall and plug the other hole to my TV and leaves. I regret not taking notes.
A week passes, and I start to learn how the TiVo works and I enjoy the service. Then, I start getting messages from the device saying I need to register the device or it will stop working. Well, the highly skilled technician didn't say anything about that. So, I go to Suddenlink's website, hop on the chat function and report the problem. They tell me that I need to go to TiVo's website to activate the device. Suddenlink sold the device to me, but fine, whatever. So I go to TiVo's website. I punch in the device number, and it says that for this particular device, I need to get Suddenlink to register it. That's not what Suddenlink said, but okay, whatever. So, I go to Suddenlink's website and jump back on the chat function.
I spend 20-30 minutes chatting with someone who ultimately decides that the problem with my TiVo is that I don't have an email address assigned to my Suddenlink account. I beg to differ, as I receive my bill via email each month and I find it hard to believe that this happens through the magic of the internet, but rather because I entered my email address in a box somewhere and they assigned it to my account. But, if it will fix the TiVo, fine, here is my email address again. I'm told it will take 24 hours for the update in information to trickle down to the device, so give it a day or two to see if the problem clears up.
It didn't.
So, I call Suddenlink. I spend 45 minutes on hold before I ever talk to a technician. During this time, I listen to the same static-garbled song repeated continuously, interrupted every minute by a recording reminding me that my call is important to them. I was glad to hear this, because I'd hate to think what sort of treatment they give to the customers whose calls are not important to them. When i finally reach an actual person on the phone, they start with the standard "did you try turning it off and back on?" nonsense that you open all support calls with. They also had me try all the things I had previously tried, such as going to the TiVo website. I'm skeptical that it would magically work on a 5th attempt, but I still follow their instructions, and lo and behold, the TiVo is still broken. So, I'm placed on hold again while my customer service rep calls TiVo's customer service line. My only regret is that he had a direct line to TiVo and didn't have to be placed on hold.
About 20 minutes later, my support guy comes back and says that they have everything resolved and that I should be able to log into TiVo's website now. That....wasn't the problem I called with. But I guess they mean now I can register the device on TiVo's website, so let me try that. Nope, still can't do it. So, I go back on Suddenlink's chat function. Now, at this point, I've used the chat function enough where I can just type all the information that they request without being asked. Here's my name, my address, my phone number, and my pin. (It baffles me that they request all these things, since you have to key them all in when you're opening up the chat window to begin with, which also baffles me that you'd have to do that at all, considering you're logged into the website!) Well, the customer service rep I talk to this time suggests that I call the number that TiVo gives me. The number for Suddenlink.
Ultimately, it is determined that the source of my problem is that my TiVo device was registered to a different account. Great, so just edit the database and make the device point to my account. They can't do that. Instead, they need to send a technician out to replace my TiVo with a new one. I'm tempted to tell them that the technician will be picking it up in pieces, but settle for pointing out the sheer idiocy of a system that cannot be edited in any way. Apparently when you order a TiVo, it follows you to the grave, because no one else can use that box once its been registered to you. So, they make an appointment for the technician to come out to my house the next day between 4pm and 6pm. So, I rush home from work the next day to catch the Suddenlink technician. At 6:30pm, it starts to occur to me that he might not be coming. I contact Suddenlink yet again, and I'm told that they closed my ticket. First of all, thanks for informing me. Second of all, why? Third of all, no seriously, why!? The problem is not resolved. They have replaced nothing. No work has been done!
So, I receive an apology for the inconvenience and a promise that a technician will be out tomorrow to replace it. Great, what time--? Hello? Hello!? Yeah, no clue when he's coming by. As it happened, I had the next day off of work (it was a Friday and I was working that weekend). Still, I had things to do that day, so I wouldn't mind knowing when exactly they'd be by. So, first thing in the morning, I drive over to Suddenlink's local office. I'm tired of dealing with them on the phone, or on a chat screen. I ask when the appointment is and I'm told that it is between 4 and 6pm. Well, that's not going to work for me. At the time, I had pretty standard plans on Fridays around that time. Can they reschedule the appointment for earlier in the day? I'm assured that they can. My customer service representative accidentally cancels the order instead. He'll try to get someone out to my house that day and someone will contact me about it. Fine.
Several hours pass and no word from Suddenlink. So, I go back on their website. I discover that rather than come out that day like they said, they would be out tomorrow sometime between 12pm and 2pm. The problem with that is that I worked that Saturday from 7:30am to 4pm, and on weekends we work alone, so I couldn't exactly take the time off. So, I had to reschedule the appointment yet again. Finally, it's decided that the technician will be out Monday between 10am and 12pm. I'm off work that day, so that works fine.
The technician comes out, and it's a different guy from last time. This guy actually shows me how to use the device and verifies the installation process instead of just plugging it into the wall and leaving. So, after 24 days, I can finally use my TiVo! That afternoon, I finally get a chance to sit down and enjoy some of the HD channels that come from my upgraded service.
On occasion, the city of Greenville plays host to a series of bicycle races that run through the downtown area. It can be a fun experience for bicycling enthusiasts of all ages, and literally tens of people show up to watch the event. Several city blocks are sectioned off for the races, and it just so happens that the building I work in is planted firmly in the middle of the race area. Since the races typically take place on Sunday during the day, this really only limits the number of people inconvenienced to whoever happens to be working 1st shift on that particular day. As it turns out, for the past two years, that lucky individual was me.
When they started doing the races several years ago, the event coordinators would contact...someone, who would contact our department supervisor, who would contact our shift supervisor, who would ultimately let us know not to park in the race area on that particular day. For the last couple of years, though, something has broken in that chain of communication.
Last year was the first year I actually had to work the weekend of the races. It was Sunday afternoon. I had already suffered through a particularly annoying morning, as the weekly maintenance window had not gone as smoothly as normal. As I was settling into what would hopefully be a dull remainder of the day, my attention was captured by movement on one of the outside security cameras. I noticed a line of bicycles pedaling around the northeast corner of the building. I thought this was odd, since they were going against traffic on a one-way street, and stepped outside to take a look. It was at this point that I realized how screwed I was.
My immediate response was a string of profanity that would make my dad both proud and ashamed. Anger properly vented, I started analyzing the situation to determine my next step. I had two objectives that I must accomplish:
Free my car from the race area
Contact 2nd shift to warn them about the races
Contacting 2nd shift was not a pressing matter, as for some crazy reason, getting home weighed more heavily on my mind than where Terrance was going to park. It still was a requirement, however, because I wouldn't put it past Terrance to pull up to the building, see all the roads blocked off, assume we were closed, and go home.
It is important to the story to explain that our building has a fenced in parking lot reserved for the university-owned vehicles. This parking lot also serves as a secure area to park for our employees who work nights and weekends. As it happened, I had decided to park my car in this lot that day. This complicated my situation, as if I had parked in a normal lot, I could pull out onto one of the roads that was enclosed by but wasn't being used by the race, wait for a gap in the cyclists, then just slip around the barricade and park outside the course. In the secure lot, however, the only exit was onto the actual race course, with the nearest barricade being too thorough to get around.
So, I made sure the phones were forwarded to the dedicated cellphone we keep in the event we have to leave the command center, and went in search of an exit. I spotted a police car parked across the track from the front of our building and decided it was a good place to start. I waited until the coast was clear, then jogged across the road to the police. I explained my situation to them, and they suggested that I go talk to the event coordinator, who was set up in a tent further down the block. With that, the cops left.
I wandered down to the tent, and caught the attention of the first person with a clipboard I could find. I explained my situation to him, and he had me talk to a woman who was keeping track of the times. She told me the race would be over in about 10 laps and that I could move my car during the break before the next race.
Once my car was free, I came back inside, tracked down Terrance and told him where he could park when he got to work. While it was annoying that they hadn't let us know the race was going to happen, they were nice about it and accommodating, so I wasn't too bothered by the whole ordeal.
So, when I glanced at the outside cameras this year and noticed bicycles pedaling by again, I was mildly irritated, but not overly concerned by the whole thing. I walked outside to the tent where the event coordinators were stationed and again explained my situation. This time, however, the guy I talked to seemed far more concerned with my accusation that they hadn't notified us than whether or not I could move my car. He explained to me in great detail and to great length about how it was not his fault and that he had contacted the people he was required to contact.
Biting down on my rising anger, I explained to the man that I really didn't care whose fault it was and that my primary concern was getting my car out of the race area. I offered him a compromise, suggesting that if he could find me a window in the race to move my car, then it wouldn't be a surprise late entry into the race.
No cyclists were harmed in the drawing of this picture
Surprisingly, he was very accommodating after that.
As we've touched on a time or two in the past, I'm not very good at social interactions. It can be frustrating watching other people strike up conversations and carry on without a care in the world, while I always feel trapped and panicked, unsure of exactly what to say, what to do, how to keep the conversation going, or sometimes how to mercy kill the entire awkward encounter.
Talking to people, for me, feels like playing the verbal version of Dance Dance Revolution, only none of the verbal cues are scrolling up the screen, so I keep missing them.
Is there a lower difficulty than "Pants-on-head Retarded"?
Of course, you still have to talk to people, regardless of how difficult it may seem, because the only thing worse than awkwardly powering your way through a conversation is silently staring at someone as they're trying to have a conversation with you.
What makes it all so difficult for me is the tremendous amount of pressure I always feel to perform, to be "on", to just fill the role that the normal world wants me to fill. Interacting with more functional people always puts pressure on me to help carry the conversational ball. That's not to say that I loathe everyone I talk to, as that couldn't be farther from the truth, I just don't know how to talk to them! There aren't many aspects of my life where I don't feel pressured.
Interacting at work
Our department is kind of isolated from the rest of the building, so we don't really pass a lot of people in the hallway and aren't forced into a lot of small talk. But sometimes, you have to venture out to ask a question about a server that's showing down, or report some other problem. Because I'm not overly talkative, I've developed a reputation at work that whenever you see Brian coming, you duck and cover because he's bringing a problem with him. So, I get criticism that I never come to just chat and see how things are going. I don't think anyone means to hurt my feelings when they say it, but that's just how my brain takes things. So, I feel pressured in going to be social with these people. And for me, it's not just a matter of striking up a conversation. No, I have to mentally prepare myself, like I'm going into battle. Paul and Mark are two of my best work friends outside of my department. I've talked with them over the years, I've gamed with them over the years. Yet, I still have to mentally psyche myself up for 5-10 minutes before wandering down to one of their cubicles to see what they're up to or if they've played any good games lately.
And you have to talk at work. If you're quiet, people call you out on it, with comments suggesting that you're acting like someone ran over your family pet or something. So you can't not talk, even if all you want to do is not have anyone cast a spotlight on you.
Interacting with family
Conversations with the family aren't much easier. Whenever I go to visit a parent, or a sibling, or a cousin, or whoever, I have to go through a mental checklist of which topics to discuss and which ones to ignore. I try not to ask too many questions about how anyone is doing, as if they aren't doing well, then I'm causing them more discomfort having to relive the experience. I also avoid anything negative going on in my own life, as I don't want to cause any more burden on anyone. So, I mostly just listen while I'm there. I feel bad sitting there and not saying anything, but it seems like the best compromise, as I don't feel like I'm imposing on anyone by disrupting their normal routines. When it comes time to leave, I feel guilty for going, because I don't want anyone to think I'm rushing off and glad to be leaving, but I'm just mentally exhausted and need to go home and recharge.
Interacting at church
Church is a very social environment, as you're supposed to share in fellowship. But it also feels like forced social interaction. It is nice setting foot in a place where you feel that the bulk of the people you bump into are genuinely glad to see you, but it is very difficult trying to talk to them all as well. Because you can't just say "hey" and go take a seat. You have to tell them what's happening with you, ask the appropriate questions to find out what's happening with them, and so on. On top of that, there's a forced introduction at the start of services, where you have to go around and talk to people and shake their hands. You cannot sit down and hope that no one notices you, you have to stand there and wait for the more functional social butterflies to come and greet you. And the hand shaking bothers me as well. There are one, maybe two people outside of relatives who I am comfortable touching. But you can't really tell people you're uncomfortable.
So, despite usually enjoying the experience afterwards, there are many days where I have to engage in a battle of wills to even go. If I can't make it to the first church service with the lower attendance, I don't even bother going to the second service.
Interacting with friends
As we've touched on a time or two, I've never had a lot of friends, and most of the ones I have had tend to be the more extroverted/borderline self-centered types. I just attract the type, which makes sense. I'm normally quiet and attentive, which gives people who like to talk about themselves a stage on which they can perform. So, conversations with these people tends to be a gauntlet of me asking all the questions necessary to allow them to talk about themselves, with my own well being not really being a topic of interest or discussion.
That being said, I have had a few friends who I feel more comfortable interacting with. I'd estimate that I have four good friends that I can really interact with, one of whom I feel I can talk to about anything with nothing but understanding on their end. (I don't like being in the spotlight, so I'll not be shining any spotlights on them)
Decisions
Social interactions aren't the only facets of my life where I feel tremendous pressure. Decision making can be crippling.
Allow me to walk you through my decision making process.
I'm with a friend, let's call this friend Lisa. Lisa and I are trying to figure out where we'd like to eat for dinner. Lisa asks if I have a preference.
What is my preference? I had McDonald's for lunch, which hardly checks off any boxes for things I no longer have a taste for, so that doesn't narrow the choices down. Besides, Lisa won't want to eat there for dinner, so I've eliminated no viable choices. I'm always partial to steak. But chicken is good. As is beef. And pork. And recently I developed a fondness of seafood too. So, yeah, no particular taste of what I want. Fine, how about steak, then? What's my budget? What's Lisa's budget? I don't want to pick a place that might not be cost effective for Lisa. So, let's not say steak. Besides, if we get steak, where do we go? Does the menu have a big enough assortment, where if Lisa decided she wanted pasta instead, she can find something? Wait, doesn't Lisa hate that particular restaurant anyway? Why does it matter, didn't we eliminate steak? Okay, budget. What's something middle of the road? If we go fast food, Lisa's going to judge me. If we go 5-star, Lisa might feel uncomfortable, or worse think that I'm coming onto her! I can't afford 5-star anyway. I don't know where 5-star is in this city! Okay, this is taking too long. Where are places we usually go? Lisa likes Cheddar's, but I don't want to keep going to the same place over and over again. But what if Lisa does? Well, what about a place with a similar menu? No, if we're going to a place with a similar menu, we might as well go to Cheddar's. But if we go there now, will it be too busy? I don't want to have to wait. I don't know when they close. What time is it now? Wait, are we going there?! How about some place I've always wanted to try. But I don't know when they close either. And what's on the menu? What if it's a bad place? If it's a bad place, will Lisa remember this next time she wants to go out to eat? Why is she staring at me? Say something. Say anything! Pick a place! PICK A PLACE!
At this point, the only logical option was to drive off a cliff...
And that is the conversation that plays through my head for any decisions, any conversation, any interaction I have with people. It's too much pressure.
I don't share any of this to offer any excuse for being difficult to interact with. Nor am I demanding that people adjust the way they approach me to cater to my own needs. As easy as that would make my life, I'm not that self-centered, plus I think we've established pretty well by now that I cannot say or do anything that I feel might inconvenience someone else. I just share so people can understand. If I'm not talking to you, there's a good chance it isn't because I don't want to talk to you, I just don't know how.
And that's why, a lot of the time, I'm happy to just go home at the end of the day and not talk to anyone. Not because I'm anti-social, but because I'm just that awful at it.
Recently, I got to hang out with a few friends, which was a nice break from the monotony of Go to Work/Go Home/Go to Work/Go Home. Well, we were trying to figure out what to do for dinner that night, and we all remembered that Brian had never been to Moe's. I've driven past several Moe's restaurants in my travels, I had just never been inside. I heard good things about the food, so it was definitely on my list of things to try. So, I was delighted to go. And so, we all hop in the car and head over to Moe's. The staff is friendly, which is nice, but the menu is foreign to me, so I take a minute to read over my choices. And it becomes apparent to me that Moe's is the Mexican equivalent of Subway. You tell them you want a burrito, but then you have to walk them through every single option of what you want on the burrito. You can't just order a #3, you have to tell them the tortilla, the meat, the cheese, the extras and add-ons. It's a whole process. I felt myself starting to unravel as I stared at the menu board.
"Welcome to panic attack!"
Meanwhile, my friends are ahead of me in line (make a decision Brian) they're going through the whole ordering process (you're going to hold them up Brian) and the restaurant is closing soon (you like Mexican food Brian) and there's people behind me in line (pick something) so I'm holding everyone up (seriously, you have, like 4 choices) so maybe I won't eat (then they'll think they picked a bad place) I'm not that hungry anyway (why are you so bad at this) and now my friend is looking at me (she's going to think you're crazy) and my other friend is looking as well (he knows you're crazy) and now she's walking over (you're making them uncomfortable) she's getting closer (you're going to cause them problems why can't you just pick something it's not that hard people do it all the time but you can't do it why can't you do it why are you such a failure why is life so hard for you pick something Pick Something PICK SOMETHING!!!)
But instead of hiding their heads because I was on the verge of making a scene, or judging me, or anything, they helped explain the choices. This one comes with this, that one comes with that. Just follow us through the order process and you'll know what you have to choose from. It was okay to be panicked, it was okay to be overwhelmed, it wasn't a problem, it wasn't a burden. They understood.
They understood.
So, for once, there wasn't any pressure.
(borrowing the idea of including a song with the post from a friend. Don't sue!)
My apologies for the lack of update. One could argue that after the serious nature of the last post, I needed time off to collect my thoughts. It wasn't an easy history to relive (and in fact, one person unfriended me as a result of it), but to be perfectly honest, none of it bothers me anymore. I've already lived that story, learned what lessons needed to be learned, and moved on. The only reason I felt compelled to share at all is because someone didn't appreciate me sharing stories from my history that might cast others in a negative light. I agree that slandering someone is wrong, but I don't see a problem in telling a story exactly how it happened. So, I opted to just go ahead and tell the entire tale in one sitting to get it over with, so that the people who were bothered by it could get it over with and we could all move on.
So, if I wasn't taking a mental sabbatical, why no update?
Quite simply, I was out of town visiting some friends, and that took precedence.
Despite my insistence on not unpacking my bags, my vacation has come to an end, which means that updates will resume their normal schedule come Monday, September 15th.
As I've mentioned in the past, I've never really had a lot of friends. Sure, I've met lots of people in my journey, but of the few I've grown to call friends, many have wandered out of my life for various reasons. Some would move away and we'd fall out of contact. Some I'd have a falling out with and we'd just stop talking. So, I've learned that friendships have their ups and downs, and at the end of the day, your friends are the ones who enjoy the ups and press through the downs.
I'd say of the various examples of the ups and downs in my life, one tends to stand out above the rest.
Disclaimer: So as not to single any particular individual out or "air the dirty laundry", I will be using an assumed name for this example. The person I talk about is not anyone that any of my readers know, nor is this person anyone who has ever been named before. If you suspect that I am talking about someone you know, you are mistaken, and the similarities they have with the person you suspect they are is purely coincidence. If you do not believe in coincidence, then perhaps it is happenstance, chance, or a fluke.
Disclaimer: Due to the limitations of my extra-sensory perception, I can only provide my perspective on this example. If you would like the perspective of the noted individual, I would suggest you ask this person directly, which will prove impossible since you do not know the individual of whom I speak.
Disclaimer: The person referenced in this example is an awesome person who has proved generous and kind. This person thinks only of others and is in no way, shape, or form a horrible person. We are all lucky to coexist with this person and should thank our chosen deity that they grace us with their splendor.
Disclaimer: None of the incidents listed below are the fault of this person, as this person has no fault. If the examples seem to indicate otherwise, this is clearly my fault as a storyteller. I apologize in advance.
Perhaps one of my longest friendships was with someone that we'll call Not-Scott.
Not-Scott and I went to the same school, but didn't really become friends until the 6th grade. Despite being on the fringe of the popular kids, like me, he was more outgoing and talkative than myself, so it wasn't long before he decided that I was his friend. As I said before, I'd never had a lot of friends, so, hey, new friend! We'd chat at school, he'd hang out at my house, I'd hang out at his. Pretty normal friendship that remained pretty constant throughout middle school. There'd be the occasional argument or fight, but nothing unusual or major. Early in our high school career, he'd end up moving to a new school district, so we didn't hang out as often. Eventually, he'd move off to the mountains and it wasn't long before we dropped out of contact with each other.
A few years ago, he shot me a message out of the blue stating that he was moving back into town and wanting to hang out. At the time, again, not a lot of friends, so I was open to catching up and chatting.
So, Not-Scott and I started to hang out again. Things were okay for a while, but the longer we hung out, the more something became apparent: either he had changed a lot since when we were growing up, or I just wasn't as observant when I was growing up. Over the next few months, he'd take great strides to alienate me by:
While introducing me to new people, he would say unflattering, and frankly untrue things about me, tainting their first impressions of me.
At a dinner meet-up we'd have with friends, he'd embarrass me in front of the group by pointing out that I'm nervous around women.
He'd rely more and more heavily on my wallet for his day-to-day life. The lowest point would be when he would put me on the spot to have me pay for dinner and a movie ticket for him and his girlfriend when we all hung out as a group one night.
He'd tell me that my life "wouldn't have turned out quite so bad" if I had moved out of town with him so many years ago.
He would dominate all conversations, ensuring that we'd only talk about him, his interests, his opinions, and what was happening in his life.
If for some strange reason the conversation actually did turn to me, he would play on his phone, check out of the conversation, or interrupt me to steer the conversation back to him.
He couldn't be bothered to remember even the most important details about my life, such as my dietary restrictions.
Not that that made much of a difference, because he couldn't be bothered to propose any sort of meet up or initiate any conversations with me, making me feel like a charity case when he'd bend his neck enough to agree to hang out.
To his benefit, he did host a cookout for my birthday one year. That he would invite a bunch of people I didn't know and spent most of the night talking to his girlfriend is beside the point.
Disclaimer: As will be noted below, I did sit down and talk to Not-Scott about the above incidents, so he is well aware of my examples, arguments, and perspective on these things.
On several occasions, I would reach a breaking point and would arrange a sit-down with Not-Scott to discuss the problems I was having with his rather self-centered and calloused behavior. On these occasions, he would interrupt me as I tried to explain my stance, offer nothing but insincere apologies and empty promises that he would be more mindful in the future. For the first week or two, he'd actually shoot the occasional greeting or propose a hangout, before going back to ignoring me and all that happened in my life.
Finally, I had enough and sent him a rather lengthy message outlining all of the examples listed above in great detail, as well as citing all of the previous attempts to reach some common ground. All I asked was a chance to discuss these issues and move past them instead of remaining stuck in a perpetual loop of Not-Scott is full of himself/Brian complains too much. Not-Scott, showing the value he placed on our friendship, promptly responded that he couldn't be bothered, deleted the entire conversation, blocked me on Facebook, and stopped talking to me entirely.
At this point, I figured that was the end of things. I was willing to offer a truce, he slapped my olive branch away, took his ball and went home. Despite my small list of friends, I don't need that kind of friend in my life, so no biggie.
A bit of time passes, and I get a message from someone who would end up being Not-Scott's girlfriend, telling me that he was regretful of how things played out and asked if I would be willing to sit down with him and talk. I tell her that I had told him previously that I wanted to sit down and discuss things. Despite his response, I say that I'm still willing to talk.
So, a little later, he shoots me a message. He tells me that it is important to him that we sit down and talk things out, but gee, his schedule was just too full at the moment. Could I possibly wait until his schedule is free? Then why bother sending a message at all? "I don't want you to think that it's not important to me that we smooth things over, but it really isn't important to me." Fine, whatever. He can set the whole thing up when his schedule is free. I have nothing else to say until whenever that is.
Five months pass, and still no word from him. So I tell him I assume that he doesn't want to talk. He tells me I am wrong. Alright, how exactly did I misinterpret that? Perhaps his schedule was too busy, and at no point in the past 3,652 hours did he have a spare moment to actually sit down and talk. So I tell him that if he really wants to talk, he'll find the time, because I'm not wasting any more time on this. So, he picks a time and place for us to meet.
And so, we sit down and talk. Ultimately, he wants to be my friend again, but this is nothing I hadn't heard in the previous half-dozen attempts to work things out. So, I agree to think about it and meet up with him again later. So, I take some time to think.
What exactly do I want in a friend? What makes a good friend? Have I ever really had a good friend?
So, rather than say "Yes, let's be friends again," or "No, I'd be stupid to dive back into that shallow pool again," I opt to just outline what I'm looking for in a friend, and he could decide if that's something he can do. I shoot him a message offering to meet up. Not-Scott would love to sit down and discuss things, but wouldn't you know it, he's in the middle of final exams. That's fine. I understand. He'll talk to me after exams are over.
A month after he graduates, I shoot him a message asking if perhaps that meant exams were done. Gosh, he's just been so busy and meant to send me a message sooner. After a bit more back and forth, another meeting time and place is decided and we sit down for our second discussion on whether we could still be friends.
So, I tell him what I'm looking for in a friend:
Someone willing to talk about their interests
Someone willing to talk about what's going on in their life
Someone willing to listen to me talk about my interests
Someone willing to listen to me talk about what's going on in my life
Someone who actually shows an interest in talking to me or hanging out with me
Someone I can rely on
Someone who has my actual best interest at heart
Apparently this was asking too much, as I have not seen Not-Scott since this meeting, and despite a couple brief conversations in the first couple weeks after that last sit-down, I haven't heard from him in a couple of months.
I don't imagine I'll hear from him again. I certainly have nothing else to say to him. And I think that's a pretty good example of the ups and downs of a friendship.
Was I asking too much? I don't want to be the center of anyone's life. Heck, I'm not overly fond that I'm the center of my own life. I don't want to be in the spotlight. But I do want to have a spot on someone's to-do list. I want someone to actually, every now and then ask themselves, "I wonder what Brian's been up to and if he's doing okay?" Or say, "maybe we can hang out sometime?"
All I know is that apparently it is wrong for me to have the audacity to stand up for myself. Apparently I'm a coward for even wanting to shed my door mat status and be treated like a person. Apparently it is disrespectful to highlight any negative aspect of a person who has never treated me with respect. And apparently I'm a villain for not graciously accepting an insincere olive branch from someone who doesn't even want me as a friend.
I'm tired of all the friends who use me to feel better about themselves. Those who value me based on how many favors I can do for them. The ones who only need me to listen to how great they are. The friends who only need me to fill an empty chair in their favorite activity without showing the slightest interest in one of my own. And the ones who consider me so worthless that I'm not even worth sacrificing a few minutes to talk or listen, or who can't be bothered to find a little time in their busy lives just to spend time with me. My life has been filled with a bunch of other Not-Scotts, and if they're the best I can hope for from friends, I'd rather be alone.
Fortunately, I've actually managed to meet a few people who I can consider real friends.
So I want to thank those friends who actually do care about me. The friends who think my life stories are just as interesting as their own. The friends who I can have actual conversations with about our mutual interests, as well as the interests we don't currently share. The friends that actually show an interest in talking to me and hanging out with me, even when the ups and downs of life try to get in the way. The friends who allow me to vent about my frustrations and feel comfortable enough with me to share their own. The friends who make me feel valued, and loved.
My first cellphone was a hand-me-down Sprint phone. My parents had just started their own business and switched to a new carrier, which meant new phones and new numbers. They still had the old phone and the old contract, so they passed it along to me. I had never had a cellphone before, and had never really seen the need (at this point, I barely had a license and had never really driven outside of the county, so things like car trouble didn't really register on my mind). So, the phone went in the glove box as more of an in-case-of-emergency type thing. My first real attempt at using it did not wow me with its convenience and technical capabilities.
I had driven to my friend Christin's house to visit, and as I pulled up in her yard, the heavens parted and approximately three oceans' worth of water fell from the sky. My friend, being security conscious, kept her door locked. So, I figured I would use my new phone to call her and let her know I was there so she could let me in, which would cut my time standing in the rain down to a minimum. Sadly, I could not get a signal on the phone. At this point, it is worth noting that my friend lived next to a cellphone tower. I can admit now that I have no idea which carrier owned that particular tower, but at the time, it provided fuel for quite a bit of anger.
So, after that, the phone pretty much sat in the glove box until the contract expired, and I vowed never to use Sprint again.
Time passes, and I'm now in college. My mom and sister decided to get their own cellphone plan, and offer to let me join in. I get the basic free flip phone from AT&T, which serves my needs. Barely. The signal isn't great (far better than Sprint, though). I can recall that there were only certain points in my apartment where I could get a signal, which could make for some interesting moments.
Eventually, I end up on my own plan with US Cellular. Again, a basic flip phone, set number of minutes, no text and data because I didn't see the need. At this point, I end up with a circle of friends who are big on texting and Facebook chatting. So, I add texting to my plan. I quickly blow past the limit. I upgrade the limit and start to blow past that as well. So, when my contract was set to renew, I upgraded to a smartphone with unlimited text and enough data to let me chat online. Which brings us to the here and now.
While I get more use out of my phone now than I did the old Sprint phone from way back when, I'm not exactly glued to it. Sure, I have apps and games and all that fun stuff, but when I'm with people, I'm content to just stick the phone in my pocket and not use it. Not everyone seems to have that ability.
Now, to be clear, I'm not complaining about answering a phone call or text while you're in a social situation. Sometimes you get a phone call that you have to take, or if you're in a situation where you can excuse yourself from the conversation to take a phone call, it's no big thing. Sometimes you have to fire back a quick text to keep your phone from ringing off the hook all night. Again, no biggie. Nor am I complaining about using a smart phone if it goes with the conversation. If you're showing someone a video or picture that you were talking about, that's perfectly acceptable.
No, I'm talking about when someone rudely checks out of a conversation to play with their phone. When you suffer from low self esteem and you know that you aren't the best conversationalist in the world, it can be very damaging when someone engages in a lengthy Facebook chat while in your company, or breaks out Candy Crush to see if they can get to the next level. It puts out the message that this person would rather be doing practically anything else instead of having a conversation with you.
A perfect example:
I used to hang out with a group of friends that would get together about once a week to grab something to eat and maybe see a movie. It was on one such night that I found myself standing in front of Cheddar's with a friend (we'll call him Scott because that's the name his mama gave him), waiting for our table to be ready. As we're waiting, we're having a conversation. Mid-sentence, Scott gets a text on his phone and drops the conversation to respond.
And proceeds to start a conversation with the person who texted him. The awkward pause turns into a rather lengthy awkward silence. And I go from mildly annoyed to increasingly angry. Finally, I sent my own text.
Eventually, the texting conversation dies down and Scott rejoins our conversation, not apologetic for rudely checking out of the conversation, but annoyed that I pointed it out to him.
And what was the text message that was so important? His friend was running a Dungeons & Dragon game for the first time and needed some pointers. No relatives in the hospital, no trouble at work, no crisis of any kind. Heck, the friend wasn't even running the game that night, so it was a text book example of "I'll call you back later and we'll talk".
What made the whole thing worse was that, even after I explained my perspective on the situation, he didn't see that he had done anything wrong. It's one thing to suspect that you aren't worth someone else's time, quite another to have them confirm it.
